Come On Harry Potter, Raise Your Glass
by bogus1
Summary: A shameless cracktastic fix it and song-fic. The song Raise Your Glass by Pink inspired it. The fix-it demonstrates my loathing of JKR's Harry Potter. The crack ... is less cracky than canon, which doesn't say much.


It was the evening meal at Hogwarts at the beginning of Harry and Hermione's 5th year when the doors suddenly crashed open. Everyone turned their heads to see the newcomer and then stare at her gobsmacked. She had pink hair sticking straight up and was wearing muggle clothing. Hermione turned her head to look at the Headmaster who was also staring at the woman, for once speechless. She couldn't guess that the wards still weren't registering the presence of the stranger. Hermione turned back to look at the stranger, same as everyone else.

The strange witch (because what else could she be if she got into Hogwarts without Dumbledore's invitation?) appeared to relish the attention. She smacked her hands together and gave a big smile to them all. The Hogwarts students started murmering.

"Well, hello Hogwarts." she said in an American accident. "All you kids studying magic, I thought I'd give you a brief demonstration of the most powerful magic of all. 9000 years old, or 40 depending on how you count it." then she pulled ... a guitar of all things, off her back and started to strum it. Obviously a magical instrument, how else could drums start beating?

"Right, right turn off the lights" the candle lights darkened while somehow not lessening the illumination on the stranger. "We gonna lose our minds tonight. What's the dealeo?" an unbreakable hush fell on the student body.

"I love when it's all too much  
7 p.m., turn the radio up  
Where's the rock and roll?"

"Party crasher, panty snatcher  
call me up if you a gangster."

Hermione stared horrified as Voldemort waltzed in behind the stranger. Complete with snake-face and glowing red eyes but ... sashaying? And ... singing? Hermione's mind boggled.

"Don't be fancy, just get dancy. Why so serious?"

The stranger slinked over to Neville who looked petrified by the appearance of Voldemort. Getting into his line of sight she made come hither gestures as she sang,

"So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways. All my underdogs, we will never be, never be anything but loud and nitty gritty, dirty little freaks. Won't you come on, and come on RAISE YOUR GLASS, just come on and come on RAISE YOUR GLASS."

under the focused attention and intent gaze of the singer, Neville started raising his goblet of pumpkin juice, staring into her eyes. The singer slid aside to reveal Neville's parents portkeying in, sprawled on the floor.

"So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways."

To his horror Neville saw Voldemort raise his wand to curse his mother ... with a golden nimbus of light that made his mother moan and snap awake. Neville's eyes opened wide as his mother scrambled to her feet, trying to figure out what was going on, only to see her husband beside her being cursed? with another nimbus of golden light.

"All my underdogs, we will never be, never be anything but loud and nitty gritty, dirty little freaks. Won't you come on, and come on RAISE YOUR GLASS, just come on and come on RAISE YOUR GLASS."

Neville's hand had been frozen with his goblet raised. The song started to enthrall him, he started to sing along. Meanwhile, the singer had turned aside to pay attention to ... Luna? Luna stared back at the singer performing all this magic with an intent look on her face.

"So if you're too school for cool.  
If you're treated like a fool  
You can choose to let it go  
We can always, we can always party on our own.

Luna peered at the singer, and with a small smile she raised her glass. At that moment thunder rolled and a deluge of rain fell on the entire Ravenclaw table, conspicuously leaving her dry. A bright smile lit up her face and she raised her glass again. A shaft of sunlight pierced the clouds to outline her in a halo as she started singing along. More than a bit odd since it was the evening meal and the sun had set a long time ago. Then three lightning bolts struck down from the clouds to hit Marietta Edgecomb, Cho Chang and another of their clique. Not that Luna noticed since she got an uncomfortable pain in her back, centered on her shoulderblades. Something was growing on her back, bulging out her school robes. Eventually, they ripped and angel wings were revealed. Upon seeing them, she was momentarily surprised but then picked up the song again. She never noticed the forked tongue in Marietta Edgecomb's mouth or the large devil horns on Cho Chang's forehead, she was too busy floating and singing.

Meanwhile, Voldemort was busy throwing out sickly green jets of light behind the students, at corpses that came back to life upon a hit. Voldemort's victims were being resurrected. Next in line appeared to be an adult version of Harry Potter.

And suddenly it was Harry's turn. The pink-haired singer caught his eyes and wouldn't let go. He could hear Hermione beside him urging him to raise his goblet so he did. An excruciating pain just stabbed him in the forehead and Harry's scar erupted, pouring out evil-looking black smoke. Then the pain suddenly stopped and Harry started feeling better, stronger, taller? Harry started singing and another roll of thunder started. Another flash of lighting came down from the sky, and another and another. Harry tried to see who was being targeted with such violence ... at the staff table? Snape, Dumbledore and McGonagall were being fried to a crisp. Then a Demontor appeared to eat Dumbledore's and Snape's souls. Hermione was aghast beside him, gasping in horror, but Harry felt vindicated.

Then the singer turned to Hermione who was shaking her head in refusal, more and more desperately as the verses poured out. With everyone looking at her, tears in her eyes for the Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress, and not a bit of trepidation, Hermione felt her arm raise all on its own. As she did, she saw Draco get drenched. She was surprised he didn't get zapped by lightning, but then realized he hadn't done that much to her or anyone else. As she kept her glass raised and another verse of the song started, she felt the telltale nauseating feeling of a portkey activating on her. But unlike any normal portkey, she saw a bright light flare up like a nova before hearing an overwhelming crash. Then suddenly she wasn't at Hogwarts anymore but in an office with a distinguished looking man with a trimmed goatee. A very puzzled and wary looking man.

"Hello miss, and just who are you? And while you're at it, can you tell me how you got through the wards of my office as well as the wards of my school?" the man with the American accent questioned her.

"Um hello Professor, I'm Hermione Granger and I have no idea why I'm here or how I got here. There was just this song ..."

"A song you say. Would that be a song ritual?"

"Yes, yes it was! All these strange things were happening and then suddenly I was here."

"You took part in a song ritual you didn't understand?" the Professor said not looking very impressed with her.

Hermione grew flustered and speechless.

"Well, maybe you could share with me a memory of this ritual?" he asked her with a raised eyebrow.

Hermione was relieved at least one of them knew how to deal with the situation so she concentrated and pulled out the memory then passed it over to the American Professor so he could put it in his pensieve. She waited as he watched the memory, it didn't take him long to reopen his eyes and just stare at her.

"Well, that's certainly very impressive. And would explain the transfer papers that just appeared on my desk 5 minutes ago for one Hermione Jane Granger to the Magical Institute of Technomancy. Transfer papers which oddly have my signature on them despite my certainly having never seen them before. And which came accompanied with a deposit slip for amount of the tuition here."

"Your signature Professor?"

"Chancellor of the Magical Institute of Technomancy if you please Miss Granger, as it appears you're going to be one of my students here."

"But I can't transfer schools Chancellor, Harry needs me!"

"Harry? Would that be the dark-haired young man with the scar?"

"Yes that's him."

"The young man whose parents were just resurrected? Miss Granger, I believe your friend is going to be busy without your help. It's time now to talk about your education."

Meanwhile, Harry was concerned about Hermione disappearing by portkey but with all the things going on that APPEARED to be so wrong being so right ...

The singer had turned her attention to Professor Flitwick. Not a slow one, he'd been staring at his House's table in suspicion since seeing it drenched while Miss Lovegood turned into an Angel.

"We will never be anything but loud and nitty gritty dirty little freaks."

He knew she was addressing him, with his half-goblin heritage in the bigoted British Wizarding world and so he raised his glass of wine to salute her, already anticipating what might happen. He felt himself being raised up and looked down. Suddenly his chair had become a great deal more ornate and throne-like. He turned his head to Dumbledore's pretentious golden throne to see it nothing but a plain-looking wooden chair. Well, this would take some getting used to. The Ministry would have to be notified of the changes at Hogwarts.


End file.
